Intention

"What are you eating?" she asked.
We were chatting on the phone as she drove home from work and apparently she could hear the crunching through the phone.
"Crackers," I said.
"Wheat Thins or Saltines?"
"Wheat Thins."
"Oh, yum."

We kept talking about nothing for a few seconds when I finally blurted out:

"That's a lie. I'm not eating Wheat Thins. I'm eating a candy bar."
I was defeated, deflated, and found out.

She just laughed. "You don't have to lie about that, you know."

Later that night she asked if I wanted some of her dinner.

"Nah. I'm not hungry. I had a late lunch."

Three seconds later ... "That's a lie too! I went to Wendy's on my way home!"

And again, she just laughed. She didn't care if I ate a candy bar or went through the drive through. And I certainly didn't have to hide it from her.

So what was compelling me to hide and lie?

Shame.

That's what.

I am totally ashamed of my weight, my body, my habits. I'm frustrated by my inability to stick to my plan. And I am angry at myself. Angry that I don't just do it.

It's been almost two years since I started this blog and this journey and I'm no closer to my goal than I was that first day.

What happened?

Because the thing is, for those first four months I really was doing great.

Well. I've been thinking about it. Because, like I said, I'm angry. And ashamed. And frustrated. And deep down I know what I really want. And it's not hiding food and lying about it.

When I started this plan, I realize now, that I was faking my confidence. I had just experienced some significant set-backs in my life and I felt out of control. I can see now that I was grasping at the proverbial straw. I was trying to regain control, composure, and a sense of worth. And my weight seemed like a great place to start. But I hadn't dealt with the emotions created by those set-backs. I had pushed them down and buried them and ignored the impact that the loss was actually having on my psyche.

But as I've learned, buried feelings never die.

Grief, intense grief, bubbled to the surface around July/August of 2010. I had never experienced grief like that and it was debilitating. It was all I could do to get out of bed. And some days I didn't even do that. Getting to the gym, eating right, blogging with positivity about this journey? Impossible. Grief is a real thing, I learned. It can throw your whole life into a tailspin. And my grief did.

Additionally...I'm not overweight because I don't know what I should and shouldn't be eating. I'm not overweight because I don't know how to work out. I know full well what to do to not only lose the weight but live healthfully.

I'm overweight because I'm addicted to food. I'm overweight because I have an emotional attachment to eating. (There. I said it.)

But my initial plan never addressed those issues. It only addressed the physical side of the "how-to." I didn't have a plan in place to tackle the emotional side of extreme weight loss.

And losing weight, particularly for the particularly overweight, is extremely emotional. Food, for me/us, softens the intensity of the negative moments of life. It's a place of comfort to hide when life gets uncomfortable.

And so for me ... no matter how upbeat and positive I tried to be about it, I was headed straight into a disaster zone. When my grief caught up with me, I didn't know how to deal with it. Honestly I didn't even know what it was. And without a plan in place to deal with those uncomfortable and disheartening emotions, I turned back to where I've always turned. Food.

But.

I know my weight is not okay. I don't want to live in the body I'm living in. And I do NOT want to be hiding fast food bags and lying about candy bars. That is NOT okay with me. That is NOT okay. That is a problem.

So. This is me. Trying to squash the shame with vulnerability. Honesty. And humility.

Truthfully, I don't know if I can do this. I hope I can. And I think I maybe could. But I'm not certain. I have failed so many times before.

All I know is that today ... TODAY I am not going to eat any sugar. And TODAY I am going to go to the gym.

And I just needed to come here and say that so that I can be held accountable. I seriously doubt anyone even reads this anymore. But I needed to verbalize it for me. I needed to send my intention out into the Universe.

And when the day is done ... I'll report.

Eat This, Not That: Best Food Choice at Hires Big H (Utah)

Eating out is inevitable. But what do you do when you're on a diet? You don't want to go hog wild and totally mess up your momentum. At least I don't. So to help us all stay on track and stick to our food plans, I'll be periodically sharing "Eat This, Not That" recommendations from Porter for those times when you just can't make your own meal.
At Hires Big H ...
Order the turkey sandwich or the turkey cranberry sandwich on whole wheat bread. Eat half the sandwich with a side salad (remember: dressing on the side).

(Keep in mind that most restaurant meals are loaded with sodium, so be sure to drink lots of water.)

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Eat This, Not That: Best Food Choice at Subway (or any Deli)

Eating out is inevitable. But what do you do when you're on a diet? You don't want to go hog wild and totally mess up your momentum. At least I don't. So to help us all stay on track and stick to our food plans, I'll be periodically sharing "Eat This, Not That" recommendations from Porter for those times when you just can't make your own meal.
At Subway or any deli ...
Order a 6" turkey sandwich on wheat or honey wheat bread. No mayo (unless it's light). Load with veggies. No cheese.

(Keep in mind that most restaurant meals are loaded with sodium, so be sure to drink lots of water.)

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How to Make it Through Hungry Hour

I recently recommitted to my "no sugar" policy. 4th of July kind of threw it off (hello parade taffy and ice-cream cones!) and I found it hard to get back to my rule of abstinence. But like I said, I'm finally sugar-free (again). So far, so good.

Except from 3:00 p.m. to 4:00 p.m. See--that is the hour that no matter where I am, I want to eat. No. I want to EAT. Anything and everything. Paint off the walls? Count me in. My fist? Quite possibly. And I EsPECIALLY want sugary treats.

But I've been good. And I'm proud of myself. Here's how I make it through:

1. Lotsa sugar-free gum.
2. I don't allow myself in the kitchen.
3. I try to occupy myself with something that will focus my brain away from food (sewing, writing, reading, surfing the net). I try to steer clear of the TV though.
4. I list reasons why I don't really want to eat.
5. If all else fails, I go to my room, shut the door, and take a nap.

This may sound extreme and I don't know what it is about that one hour, but I'm determined to get to a place where it phases me none. Until then, I will "positive mind talk" my way to success.

ABC4 Reports: West Bountiful woman working to lose 100 lbs

Here is the first of the follow-up stories ABC4 reporter Brian Carlson aired last month. Thanks Brian for not filming my bum when I was working out! :)



Click here to view the first story he did in January.

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Keep Trying, Today and Tomorrow

I was thinking about yesterday's post this morning and trying to remember that today, right now, is all I have control over. And then I ate a piece of white bread for lunch and wanted to kick myself.

But instead of kicking myself, I thought some more.

I stand by what I wrote yesterday--all we can control is where we're at right now and what we do with the moment we're in. However, that doesn't mean that if we mess up today that all is lost.

Because there is tomorrow.

Actually, there's a new moment today, right now. So you (I) messed up. That's not good. Not good at all. But all is not lost. You can put the bread down. You can step away from the cake. You can drive straight past the pick-up window at the McDonald's drive-through.

You can start again. You (I) have just got to keep trying.

Today

I know I'm not the only person who has used the phrase "I'll start tomorrow," or even this slight variation: "I'll start over tomorrow. It's a joke really, among dieters. Every morning for 10 years I woke up with grand intentions but by late afternoon, I'd be saying it: "Tomorrow I'll ..."

Looking back I can see how many wasted tomorrows that was. 3,650 to be exact.

That's a lot of days. A lot of time I held myself back. A lot of opportunities to change, gone.

But kicking myself over yesterday is just as pointless as waiting until tomorrow.

Because today is all I have.

Today is all I have.

And today, I'm going to stick to my meal plan. I'm going to drink all my water. I'm going to not eat sugar.

What are you going to do with YOUR today?

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Why

Why is it that the 5 minute snooze button feels like 5 seconds, but the last 5 minutes on the treadmill feels like 5 hours?

Can someone explain that?

Ugh.

Small Changes for Big Weight Loss: Suck in Your Stomach

Porter calls this the "vacuum" ... apparently that's what Arnold Schwarzenegger called it. I'll have to research the physiology of it, but basically, you suck your belly button in as if you were trying to touch your spine with it. When doing it correctly, your posture should straighten and your lower stomach should lift upwards.

Do this as often as possible. In the shower, while standing in line, or even sitting at your desk. And especially do it while lifting weights. It strengthens the core and helps you burn more calories.

Spicy Shredded Chicken (Cafe' Rio Style)

More cravings cravings cravings. But it's all about learning how to make the foods I love in a way that I can eat them. Here's a great way to enjoy a Cafe' Rio Chicken Salad without all the calories, sodium, and fat. And it's SO easy!

Ingredients:
7 chicken breasts
2 cans Rotel brand diced tomatoes with green chilies
1 tsp pepper
1 tsp salt
1 tsp chili powder
1 tsp garlic
lime juice to taste

Instructions:
1. Place all ingredients (except lime juice) in crock pot.
2. Cook on low all day.
3. Shred chicken with fork and place back in pot so it can absorb the juices.
4. Squeeze lime juice in just before serving.
5. Serve with wheat tortillas, brown rice, black beans, lettuce, diced tomatoes, and salsa.

Week 26: Weight Loss Results

I broke the 240s!!!!!!!

Current Weight: 239 lbs which means a Weight Loss of 1.6 lbs
Current Body Fat: 29.7% which means a Fat Loss of 0.4%
Current Lean Mass: I don't have the numbers this week for some reason. ???

I'm pretty excited this week. It feels good. Really good. :)

The Best Cracker for You

I treasure my snack times. Really. I look forward to them. And I love when my meal plan includes these crackers for my morning snack. They're the best ones for you at the store. You can eat 15 of them with either a string cheese or a laughing cow cheese. DeLISH!

Small Changes for Big Weight Loss: Add a Grapefruit to the Meal

Did you know that grapefruits are thermogenic in nature? That means they burn fat. Add one to a meal and you lower the glycemic index of the whole meal and burn calories while you eat. Um ... yes please!

Pancakes!

I've been dying for pancakes. Weird food craving, I know. But here's a healthy way to have them. They taste just like the real ones, the just don't fluff up exactly like the store-bought, pre-packaged kind.

Ingredients:
1 cup slow oats
1 cup cottage cheese
6 egg whites
1/4 tsp vanilla
1/4 tsp cinnamon

Instructions:
1. Combine all ingredients in a blender and blend on HIGH until you get a smooth batter (about 1 minute or so).
2. Heat non-stick skillet or skillet sprayed with cooking spray and pour batter.
3. When the center begins to bubble, flip.
4. Eat with "Simply Fruit" spreadable jam, sugar free syrup, or light cool whip.

Servings:
1/2 cup batter = 1 meals worth of proteins and carbs

Week 25: Weight Loss Results

Are you ready for the results!

Current Weight: 240.6 lbs which means a Weight Loss of 0.8 lbs
Current Body Fat: 30.1% which is a Fat Loss of 1.2%
Current Lean Mass: 168.18 which is a Lean Muscle Gain of 2.38 lbs

Lotsa muscle this week! That's why you can't let the scale discourage you.

One of My Favorite Snacks: Veggies and Dip ... Yes, DIP!

I don't know about you, but sometimes, I just can't swallow ONE MORE "naked" vegetable. You know ... no sauce, no dressings, no dips. Just dry. :(

But here's a way to have your veggies, and eat them too!

Buy one of those homemade ranch dressing packets and in place of whatever liquids they tell you to add, use low-fat cottage cheese! Blend it in a blender till smooth and creamy. You'll never know the difference. Seriously.

Small Changes for Big Weight Loss: Change Your Jam

This one's easy. This week, toss the old jam and switch to "Simply Fruit" by Smuckers. I personally think it tastes better than the old stuff I used to eat. Blueberry is my favorite.

Oatmeal Egg White Crepes

Try these! They're fantastic!

Ingredients:
2 cups egg white
1 cup quick oatmeal

Instructions:
1. First, blend the quick oats in a blender at high speed. This will make it more powder like. Set it aside.
2. Pour 2 cups egg whites into the blender and blend on low speed.
3. Slowly add the quick oats back to the blender. Once both are blended a little turn the speed to high and blend for 30 seconds.
4. Heat a skillet sprayed with cooking spray on medium heat.
5. Slowly pour in the batter. Swirl the skillet to move the mixture around. (Note: the batter will be very thin and watery, not thick like pancake batter.)
6. Once cooked on one side, flip.
7. Serve with "Simply Fruit" spreadable jam (I love blueberry).

Serving size:
1/2 cup batter = 1 meals worth of protein and carbs

Week 24: Weight Loss Results

Here's where it stands ...

Current Weight: 241.4 which means a Weight Loss of 3.4 lbs this week
Current Body Fat: 31.3% which means a Fat Loss of 1.3% this week
Current Lean Body Mass: 165.8 lbs which means a Muscle Gain of 0.8 lbs

3.4! Wooo!

Week 23: Weight Loss Results

I've decided to change the way I count weeks. Instead of counting an appointment with Porter as the "week mark", I've switched to counting weeks, exactly 7 days each, from when I began.

So here are the results from this week!

Current Weight: 244.8
Weight Loss: 1.2 lbs
Current Body Fat: 32.6
Fat Loss: 0.2%
Current Lean Muscle: 165
Muscle Loss: 0.3 lbs

Avoidance

So I've been thinking about "avoidance." Mostly because for 2 months I avoided this blog. I became scared of it. I was scared of who was reading and what they thought of me. I was scared to get rude emails. Scared to open up this dirty little secret part of my life.

But avoiding something doesn't make it go away.

And it's the same with weight loss.

For a long time I avoided it. Pretended like the pounds didn't exist, even though they stared me in the face every day. I was scared to try and fail (like I had so many times before). I was scared of what people would think when they saw me in the gym. And then sometimes, it wasn't necessarily fear--I just didn't want to deal with it. The process just seemed too hard, the end goal just seemed impossible.

But avoiding something doesn't make it go away.

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p.s. thank you to those of you who commented so kindly yesterday. I can't tell you what your words of encouragement meant. I also can't tell you how relieving it was to be "welcomed" back with open arms. No judgment. No derision. Just a bunch of "you can do its". I'm grateful. So very grateful.

Moving Forward

"I knew you wouldn't be able to do it," she said. "She"--a friend of mine--was talking about blogging every day here at 100 Pounds. She said it was too lofty of a goal and knew I wouldn't be able to keep at it.

Then there were the really discouraging emails not long after that conversation from a complete stranger who wanted to tell me why I was overweight. They were biting and hurtful (not helpful in any way) and cut deep to the core. I cried for a while after receiving each one (yes, there were multiple).

Combine those two situations with my already crazy and over-scheduled life and this blog became something I didn't want to come near. And the longer I stayed away, the more intense my avoidance became.

That's not to say I fell off the bandwagon. I didn't actually. I have kept up my appointments with Porter and have continued following my work out plans, although there was a period of time in the last 2 months where I stopped working out regularly due to a series of vacations and traveling. And in full disclosure, I haven't been as strict about avoiding sweets. By no means did I become gluttonous. But I wasn't exact, as I had been in the beginning.

And so I've maintained. My weight hasn't gone up, but it also hasn't gone down. That's frustrating to admit. Especially since I'm doing this publicly. But it is what it is.

But the thing I realized this week is that this is the point where the old me would have thrown in the towel. The old me would have gotten really discouraged and said, "I can't do this. I still have too far to go." The old me would've quit, right here at this point.

But ... that was the old me. And this is the new me. And I'm not quitting. And I'm not allowing myself to stay discouraged. Sure, I wish I was farther along. But by golly, I've never gotten this far before! So I'm taking my 20-some-odd pounds lost and I'm celebrating what I've done and digging in again for the next 20, and the next 20 after that.

Here's the thing ... with this much weight to lose I'm bound to have peaks and valleys. I'm bound to mess up, cheat, fall short, miss goals, etc. But when that happens I just have to remember where I've been, be proud of what I've accomplished so far, and keep moving forward.

Eventually I'll get there. One pound at a time.

The Hardest Part

Someone asked me recently what the hardest part of working toward this goal and I was surprised by my answer. Of course the thoughts of chocolate deprivation, missed dinners out with friends, and pulling myself out of bed only to go to the gym and sweat buckets all crossed my mind, but really ... when it comes right down to it, the hardest part about this whole thing has been the BLOGGING!

With all the things my daily life is filled with, finding more time to write about this process has been incredibly difficult. But I've been thinking about the writing lately. And first, let me say ... just because I haven't been perfect at writing about it, doesn't mean I'm not losing. Quite the contrary (I'll be posting my latest weigh in later!).

But I went back and read some of my posts just to remind myself where I've been and I realized that the writing really helped me keep my focus fine-tuned. Plus I committed to blogging daily about this whole journey. And I've slacked in that department. So just know ... I'm learning. I'm growing. I'm changing. It's a process.

So thanks for your patience. Just know I'm not perfect. I'm still working hard. And I'm recommitting to my blogging about this. For no other reason than it helps me.

Have a healthy day!

On Comparing

Sometimes it's hard. When the girl on the treadmill to the left of you is running 10 mph (yes I peeked) and the girl on the treadmill to the right of you is running 6 mph on a 45 degree incline (yes I peeked again) ... it's hard not to compare. It's hard not to wish for the long lean legs and strong arms that seem to pump up and down so effortlessly.

But you can't compare. You can't.

All you can compare is where you were yesterday to where you are today.

And that is all that matters.

Week 8: Weight Loss Results

I knew I was in for it when part of last week's workout plan included 100 squats and 100 lunges. Ay ya yai! I could barely sit or stand the next day. When I went to see Porter 2 days later and told him I was still incredibly sore, he was a little nervous about what the scale would say and tried to prepare me for a possible gain.

Apparently, when you shock your muscles so intensely and break them down to where they're as sore as mine were, the body does something called "muscle pump" which is where the body sends blood and water to those exercised muscles to heal and repair them. And seeing as the legs are the biggest muscle group in the body, Porter worried that the scale would show a number that would "look" as though I'd gained weight due to the amount of fluid in my legs. But after explaining that, he told me that if that was the case, not to worry and that the following week would be even better and that my body would continue to benefit from last week's workout even throughout this week.

(In addition to my insane workout plan [that I totally rocked], I also followed my food plan to a T.)

So ... without further adieu ... I'm at 246 as of this last appointment. I didn't gain! In fact I lost another 1.5 lbs lost (for a total of 19.8 lbs) with a body fat of 32.8% which means I lost another 1.1% of body fat.

My legs are totally healed now and I'm rocking my workout so far this week so I'll be excited to see what the scale says next time.

Thanks for your support!

Week 7: Weight Loss Results

I realize that "technically" it's not Week 7 as I missed some weeks due to my trip back East. But today was my 7th weigh-in and that's how I'm counting.

I'll admit I was a little nervous to get on the scale today. Being out of town and on a diet is an extremely difficult thing. Plus when I got back into town, it was my birthday and I did have some sweets (although I'll be posting next week about my sugar-free trifle that I made for my birthday party). So yes. I was nervous. But beyond the nerves I was also really excited.

This week, I've worked extremely hard at the gym and have been exact as exact can be about my food intake. By this morning, I felt slim. So when I got on the scale and it read 247.5 I knew my hard work had paid off.

So that's another 3.5 pounds bringing me to a total of 18.3 pounds lost! And my body fat went from 35.4% to 33.9%, equaling a loss of 1.5%.

Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!

Just so you know--this week's food and workout plans are going to kill me. I'll be posting them tomorrow. Until then...be healthy!

We Will Now Return to our Regularly Scheduled Programming

Hello friends! I do apologize for my absence. Between the wicked cold and then a week and half of funeral planning and traveling, I feel like I haven't been a very dedicated blogger. I thank you for sticking with me.

I'd like to say I didn't "cheat" whilst traveling, but I did. I didn't go overboard, but it's a bit tricky to stick to a food plan while being at the mercy of your travel companions. So I tried to make the wisest choices possible. And while I wish I could have been exact, I feel confident that I did the best I could.

Having said that, I'm home now and ready to get back to my schedule and plan. I missed 2 weigh-ins due to my being out of town so it'll be interesting and exciting to see where I am this Friday when I meet with Porter again.

Also, I have some new things planned for making this blog even more helpful (to both me and you). I'm pretty excited!

So until tomorrow ... be healthy!

Out of Town

It's been a bit of a sad week. A dear friend passed away on Monday, so every day since then has been spent calling our group of girls and organizing our travel plans to get to the funeral. Hence the light posting.

A few people have asked about my menu for this week ... as I'm out of town, it's nigh impossible to follow any sort of food plan exactly. I'm at the mercy of my travel partners and the restaurants at hand. So. I'm just using the following rules of thumb:

1. Protein with everything
2. Eat super carbs only
3. Portions can be guesstimated as follows: protein = palm of hand, carb = fist
4. Water, water, water
5. No sugar

If you are in need of a food plan, you can mix and match from any of the past plans. Good luck! And be healthy!

Week 6: Weight Loss Results

I finally feel like a normal person again. Still have a bit of a sore throat, but am up and about. I know I stunk at updating here while I was sick. And for that I am sorry. Any energy I had was put toward my work-life and once done with that, I didn't have much left.

But I had my weigh-in with Porter yesterday. I had to miss 2 appointments due to my sickness so I honestly had no idea where I'd be. While sick, I tried extra hard to stick extra close to the outlined menu (except for Valentine's weekend, as you know) since I knew I couldn't go to the gym. And ... it paid off!

I lost another 5.2 pounds since my last weigh-in 11 days ago. I am now at 251 pounds with a body fat of 35.4%. So that's a total of 14.8 pounds since the start of this program.

Clothes are definitely starting to fall off and it feels great ... if only some of this weight would come off around the hip/butt area! I've had to pin the waist on my pants, but when I try a size smaller, they're still a little too tight around my hips. Honestly, I think I've lost 2 pounds from my waist, 2 pounds from my knees and 10 pounds from my bosoms. And that's no good considering there wasn't much there to begin with! Oh well. :) Pounds lost are pounds lost.

Hope your own plans are coming smoothly. I'd love to hear how you're doing with your goals. I'm going to continue taking it easy through the weekend and then get back to the gym Monday. I want to be sure this cold is completely done and gone before I go kill myself at the gym.

Have a great weekend! Will post this week's menu later today. The workout will stay the same since I only got Day 1 in before I got sick.

Frustrated

That is what I am. Frustrated. It's been a week now since I was able to go to the gym. Yesterday I thought I was starting to feel better and then wham! Last night I had a second round of this cold whomp through me. Today I feel worse than I did all last week. And now I'm just totally bugged.

For the first time in a long time (ok, like my whole life) I want to go to the gym and want to keep my body running at high energy and metabolism levels but I've been flattened by a cold. I feel tired and crummy and weak. [insert sympathy here :) hehe] So. I'm left pumping fluids and Vitamin C instead of the weights.

Also, in all honesty and full disclosure (which is what I promised when I started this blog), I ate poorly on Saturday. I had bit of Valentine's Day candy that afternoon (it was killing me! I wanted some SO bad!) and at dinnertime I ate a couple french fries from a friend's carton with my plain grilled chicken sandwich on a wheat bun, as well as couple sugar cookies, a rice krispie treat, and a doughnut that night at a Valentine's party. I feel bad about it, but not really bad. It was delicious, and I loved every bite, and I'm back to eating healthy with no desire to have anything I shouldn't so ... yeah. Just want to be honest. I would like to point out however that for 30 days straight, I didn't eat any sugar and had made no deviations from the weekly plans Porter outlines for me.

Here's hoping you have a day without sinus pressure and congestion.