Intention

"What are you eating?" she asked.
We were chatting on the phone as she drove home from work and apparently she could hear the crunching through the phone.
"Crackers," I said.
"Wheat Thins or Saltines?"
"Wheat Thins."
"Oh, yum."

We kept talking about nothing for a few seconds when I finally blurted out:

"That's a lie. I'm not eating Wheat Thins. I'm eating a candy bar."
I was defeated, deflated, and found out.

She just laughed. "You don't have to lie about that, you know."

Later that night she asked if I wanted some of her dinner.

"Nah. I'm not hungry. I had a late lunch."

Three seconds later ... "That's a lie too! I went to Wendy's on my way home!"

And again, she just laughed. She didn't care if I ate a candy bar or went through the drive through. And I certainly didn't have to hide it from her.

So what was compelling me to hide and lie?

Shame.

That's what.

I am totally ashamed of my weight, my body, my habits. I'm frustrated by my inability to stick to my plan. And I am angry at myself. Angry that I don't just do it.

It's been almost two years since I started this blog and this journey and I'm no closer to my goal than I was that first day.

What happened?

Because the thing is, for those first four months I really was doing great.

Well. I've been thinking about it. Because, like I said, I'm angry. And ashamed. And frustrated. And deep down I know what I really want. And it's not hiding food and lying about it.

When I started this plan, I realize now, that I was faking my confidence. I had just experienced some significant set-backs in my life and I felt out of control. I can see now that I was grasping at the proverbial straw. I was trying to regain control, composure, and a sense of worth. And my weight seemed like a great place to start. But I hadn't dealt with the emotions created by those set-backs. I had pushed them down and buried them and ignored the impact that the loss was actually having on my psyche.

But as I've learned, buried feelings never die.

Grief, intense grief, bubbled to the surface around July/August of 2010. I had never experienced grief like that and it was debilitating. It was all I could do to get out of bed. And some days I didn't even do that. Getting to the gym, eating right, blogging with positivity about this journey? Impossible. Grief is a real thing, I learned. It can throw your whole life into a tailspin. And my grief did.

Additionally...I'm not overweight because I don't know what I should and shouldn't be eating. I'm not overweight because I don't know how to work out. I know full well what to do to not only lose the weight but live healthfully.

I'm overweight because I'm addicted to food. I'm overweight because I have an emotional attachment to eating. (There. I said it.)

But my initial plan never addressed those issues. It only addressed the physical side of the "how-to." I didn't have a plan in place to tackle the emotional side of extreme weight loss.

And losing weight, particularly for the particularly overweight, is extremely emotional. Food, for me/us, softens the intensity of the negative moments of life. It's a place of comfort to hide when life gets uncomfortable.

And so for me ... no matter how upbeat and positive I tried to be about it, I was headed straight into a disaster zone. When my grief caught up with me, I didn't know how to deal with it. Honestly I didn't even know what it was. And without a plan in place to deal with those uncomfortable and disheartening emotions, I turned back to where I've always turned. Food.

But.

I know my weight is not okay. I don't want to live in the body I'm living in. And I do NOT want to be hiding fast food bags and lying about candy bars. That is NOT okay with me. That is NOT okay. That is a problem.

So. This is me. Trying to squash the shame with vulnerability. Honesty. And humility.

Truthfully, I don't know if I can do this. I hope I can. And I think I maybe could. But I'm not certain. I have failed so many times before.

All I know is that today ... TODAY I am not going to eat any sugar. And TODAY I am going to go to the gym.

And I just needed to come here and say that so that I can be held accountable. I seriously doubt anyone even reads this anymore. But I needed to verbalize it for me. I needed to send my intention out into the Universe.

And when the day is done ... I'll report.